1 Peter 3:1 –
In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over
This is the most quoted scripture by men in a marriage and they tend to ignore the next section. Peter wrote these instructions for marriage not to be thrown in each other’s faces, but to be lived as an individual. Oh how I could spend hours on the subject of marriage and will try to condense it into a few “thoughts” this morning. The first thing you need to learn more than anything else is you will not “fix” your spouse. These words thrown in their face will only infuriate them thinking why not you? I can say with all honesty that most of the arguments we had come from my own self-deception and pride. I ignore my part of this equation and focus on hers!
Marriage is a colliding of two different mindsets and the first key is making sure you are marrying the “right one”. I don’t think there is “one” right person like many preach, but there is that right match. Falling in love and falling in bed are two very different things. Men look at sex more for the physical while women look more towards the emotional, that’s where problems arise. The Bible is clear about sex and that is to wait for marriage. I wish I had because the underlying issues brought into the marriage. Now don’t get me wrong, God does not abhor sex like many want you to think. God gave Adam Eve to be “fruitful and multiply”, in essence they ran around the garden naked having sex!
Once married, pride is the next thing that MUST fall. If the marriage is all about your needs, it will fail. The easiest way to burn someone out is to focus on “me” and not on “them!” I think the best way is to learn what works for them and do it. Learn what makes them feel loved; be it getting gifts, or affirmation, or kindness, or quality time, or the physical touch. You may be wired differently and what work for you may not work for them, so learn. Don’t keep giving costly gifts if what they really want is just a cup of coffee on the back deck and a long talk.
Also, learn the cycle that destroys a marriage; betrayal, inflate, distort, justify and blame. Betrayal comes when you don’t do something that you know you should. Next you inflate their fault and your virtues by looking for the worst and finding it. You distort the truth and see what you personally want to see, if you see ugly you will find ugly. Once you get there you justify the action because what you found allows evil. Then you blame because your own selfish pride will never allow blame to be turned inward. Then it starts to escalate back to self-betrayal and the act becomes more hurtful. What may first start as not opening the door may quickly escalate to working late to an affair, which the “cycle” will provide false justification.
When all is said and done the key is wait for true love and don’t confuse lust for love. And once you are married leave your pride at the door and serve your spouse. If your focus is on them, the destructive cycles will not occur as frequent. Learn the “cycle” and break is whenever you notice it starting. Again it turns to humbling yourself before your spouse. You can see throughout your live how fragile this relationship is and how you must enter in with no compromise and no options. Do not compromise the marriage or allow any other option than working it out!